Uncharted Territories of Me

King of everything, the one who taught the wind to sing...the Source of the Rhythm my heart keeps beating...
It's rather ironic... how WINDY today has been, yet, there's an undeniable *giddiness* and sense of perfect Peace & calm in my heart tonight ~ 
*or... in the words of my friend, Anne, "Holy appropriate Batman!"

Steve and I, along with so many of you, have been praying over, for, and about something very near and dear to my soul. An undeniable calling that I simply can't ignore. Over a series of several weeks and months, I have shared this sincere desire of my heart with many of you and this weekend, Steve and I, together, agreed, "Yes, Lord~ Yes, Lord~ Yes-Yes, Lord, Amen!"

**What a difference the Love & Prayers of a Godly Husband Make!!**

So, for many of you, I don't have to explain how excited I was to read the fortune that unfolded out of my fortune cookie today over lunch. Those words, "winds of change" resonated in my mind and heart, causing me to just about giggle-out-loud. (Thank you, Steven, for your gentle wisdom that reminded me that God does not send His word to us through fortune cookie messages!) But the honest to goodness truth is, God's been speaking these words to my heart a lot lately... and  Yes, Lord... you better believe I've been listening!!

Very soon I will be able to share with you, my kindred prayer warriors, about how God is rearranging priorities my heart in a mighty way. 

God has sent confirmation--after confirmation-- after CON. FIRM. MATION. and I couldn't help but listen! Solely because I've let go of my own selfishness and from the deepest places of my heart, I promised God... "wherever you lead me, I'll go!"

It started with me first being completely and totally honest with God about what was true. Then, not long after that, God whispered, "Drop. Seeds. of Faith." And so I did. God continued to whisper, I will do, "Exceedingly... Abundantly... More... than you could ever ask for or imagine!" In my silly head, it was almost like God sang, "WATCH ME NOW~ HEY!" I especially love how the Message version of this reads:

Exceedingly Abundantly More...

Ephesians 3:20-21

20-21 God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams! He does it not by pushing us around but by working within us, his Spirit deeply and gently within us.

Philippians 4:8 The Message (MSG)

8-9 Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

I love that!! Just think!! God's working ME in to His most excellent harmonies! God wants to direct a symphony ~ through ME!

Ever so gently... he's been revealing to me bit by bit in his Word, over and over again throughout this past year that He wants to do a new work in and through me. And as I've let go, clenched-white-knuckled-finger-by-white-knuckled-finger, of my own selfish grip and "comfortableness" God's given me little glimpses of His light shining through all that He created me to be... like the most beautiful kaleidoscope I've ever seen!

And as I've been willing to let God chisel, God has provided me some breathtaking squinty-eye peeks  into places of me so that I am able to see myself through the viewfinder of God's perspective. And I love what I see! 

Just think!! God, the Master Craftsman ~ The Creator of the Universe created me! And His eye for the unusual... for the uncanny... for the unique... for the uncharted territories of myself is equally as notable as Michaelangelo's ability to see his colossal masterpiece the  David, buried inside a block of marble long before his masterpiece emerged. 

*I know...this is a little weird... but stay with me here...*

See David's eyes? That's how I felt when I first realized that God was calling me out! That he wanted me to step out in faith for a master plan for my life that He designed specifically for me! 

It's the most incredible thing (and yeah, I admit... even a little scary) to hear the voice of God INSIDE OF ME and know that He's calling ME OUT!! Where?? Only God knows! But I stand in awe of just how detailed God has been in His delicate chiseling processes when it comes dealing with me and my own stubborn temper-tantrum-prone will! How He's slowly and ever-so gently helped me to just.let.go... so He could move in my heart in a mighty way!

I've known for a long time that He knows the plans He has for me... plans to give me a hope and a future, but today when I read these words from Ephesians, it almost took my breath away... because now that I've been able to recognize that God's been letting me in on His plans-- suddenly, it dawns on me ~ *giggle* I'm God's APPRENTICE!!  God's made it crystal clear that He has His eye on me for something really exciting! Here's proof:

Ephesian 1: 8-18

He thought of everything, provided for everything we could possibly need, letting us in on the plans he took such delight in making. He set it all out before us in Christ, a long-range plan in which everything would be brought together and summed up in him, everything in deepest heaven, everything on planet earth.

11-12 It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for. Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living, part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.

So here I stand at the threshold of uncharted territories of me. Not knowing what's on the other side of the door, yet I'm ready to step out in faith and open it and see what God has to reveal to me on the other side!

Today was the day that my dream took its first baby steps out into the light of God's glorious reality!

Tonight, that still small voice of God is speaking a little more loudly than the whispers that I've heard in my heart for so long... 

"Trust in Me, (you silly girl) with alllllll your heart. I've got this! 

Don't depend on your: 

   1. education

              2. rational thinking

                               3. oh-so-limited-narrow-focus                   
4. on your one-thing-at-a-time-understanding. 

Recognize Me for every ray of light that I shine on your path...  In every single step ahead, allow Me privilege of reigning over every anxious fleeting thought about your future. 

I will make the way crystal clear. 

~ Proverbs 3: 5-6 

This morning I heard this song on the radio for the very first time and oh... my... goodness...

Was this EVER confirmation from God that today He, the One who taught the wind to sing, ordained ordained for me to invite him to begin writing a new story on my heart!

The Near-Death and Resuscitation of My Messy Muse

It would be safe to say that I've always been  just a little on the silly-side~ even when I was just a few months old!

I've always been had this still small voice inside that whispered,
"Go..."
"Be..."
"Do..."
"Write..."
"Paint..."
"Share..."
"Inspire..."
My first work as a published author appeared in the local newspaper when I was 11 

(my dad cut my bangs, can't cha tell?) *wink*wink*

But then teachers got ahold of my creative muse. Teachers wrote all over my writing with red pens and capital letters (that was before social media deemed that all caps=*YELLING!*)

They beat my muse up. Bad... 

So bad that I buried it in a dark drawer for a long, long time and refused to take it out.

I entered my first year of college, straight out of high school. College instructors were even more brutal. So, I, in my infinite wisdom of 18 vested years in life decided that there was only one thing to do... Quit.College. 

For you see, more than I wanted to pursue a degree, I seriously wanted to pursue a husband!

And God answered my prayer!

So Steve and I got married and we lived happily ever after! Well... kinda. Our happily ever after had an uninvited villian called infertility. We spent the next 7 years praying, pleading, begging God to bless us with a baby. I filled buckets of tears, pouring my heart out to God out in journals. I spilled my tears through words as I struggled with the pain of infertility and the longing to become a mommy. Year after year, I prayed... and cried... and I wrote from the depths of my broken heart... 

and I cried some more.

Those journals contained my most intimate private memoirs... sacred places... where I allowed my brokenness to spill out amidst the hope that somehow, God would work a miracle in our lives and bring us a baby. Like Abraham and Sarah in Genesis, we pleaded with every thread of our being for God to bless us with just one child-- and for 7 years God.Said.Wait...
In one of my journal posts, I promised God with every thread of my being that if He would just bless us with one child, I would never beg for another one. All my heart ever longed for was just.one.child... 

And on June 13, 1993 at 5:43am, 

God answered our prayers!

God's Gift to us ~ Kaleb Elliott Shaw
July 13, 1996

Because of this Miracle from God in our lives, we had many opportunities to share our story of parenthood & God's faithfulness, thanks to some wonderful & intuitive newspaper men.

Rick Myers, Glenn Hascall, and Brad Staman. These 3 men who had no inkling that they weren't just inviting us to share our family stories... they were able to use their writing talents to tell our stories in a way that undeniably changed the course of my life.

I was first introduced to one of my writing & photography mentor/cornerstones in my life when he came to our home to write an Easter story about our struggle with infertility and the miracles that came from those seven years of hearts yearning for a baby... 

His name was Rick Myers, a gifted photographer talented journalist who today I am blessed to say that I treasure as a friend and mentor! 

(Little did I know that a few years later, Rick would come alongside me and encourage me as when I stepped into being a weekly columnist & self-proclaimed understudy photojournalist in the secular newspaper. I'll share about Rick's influence tomorrow!)

This is, without a shadow of a doubt,  my single-most FAVORITE picture EVER of Steve and Kaleb,
taken by my mentor & friend, Rick Myers!

Not only did God allow the most precious little boy on earth to be born into our lives, he allowed me to begin writing again, just for myself, but for the first time in my life... I was able to blend my words with great joyfulness. I wrote about the trials and jubilation of motherhood. 

Fast forward four years...

While I was a stay at home mom, I had the honor of being invited by Glenn Hascall at KCMI to consider submitting some of my writing to their publication called CrossTimes. This regional Christian newspaper was Christian publication of Christian Media Incorporated's Publishing branch. Nearly 3,000 issues per month went out to churches and business in the Western Nebraska and Eastern Wyoming region. 

See Mommy was my fist submission and consequently, my first published work since my 11 year old essay. 
Shortly after that came, 

                     I Didn't Make the Bed Today

Because of Glenn's faith in me, and the grace that he extended to me, that allowed me to simply write... whatever was on my heart ~ my left-for-dead Muse was slowly resuscitated back to life!

Fresh new life was breathed back into my Messy beat-up Muse and Glenn asked me one day if I would pray about and consider being monthly column for CrossTimes. Out of that conversation came 

(...to be continued... tomorrow!)

*I invite you to come back to MyMessyMuse tomorrow, to read how Glenn's faith in me and belief in my writer's heart influence the next "steps" of my journey through life with My Messy Muse*

Ricoh's Hidden Treasures...

^{Ricoh's first official 2014 debut appeared to be, at first glance... a flop. When the nice photo department tech saw me, he kindly conferred, "I'm afraid you're really gonna be disappointed..."}

 

Y'see, out of the 24 snapshots that were contained inside the film canister, the first 8 at the beginning and the last 8 at the end were ruined. He predicted that because of the age of the camera, and the length of time that it had spent inside the camera, and the age of the film, it became brittle and the beginning and the end photos didn't make it through their one-hour photo-processing machine. (Kind of like us, right? When we become too old we get brittle...)
I assured him that I would not hold it against him for the unprintable photos and excitedly proceeded to go to my van to open the contents of the small, flat photo processing envelope. 

However... it would be dishonest to say that I was just a "little" disappointed though. I was so expectant that in developing that roll of film, the images captured in them would be strikingly profound ~ something... meaningful & deep ~ something... prophetic that might jump out of that envelope and shout at me clear directions and confirmation and Divine Inspiration... but nothing dramatic happened. Except that out of an entire roll of 24 photos... there were eight  pictures in all that came out. $1.29 a piece ~ for a handful of less-than-inspirational images.

Of trees.

and a lake...

and mountains...

and a road...

and my mom.

I tried looking "deeper" into the photos, to see if there was a minuscule something... an out of the ordinary anything... that might jump out at me and scream inspiration.

Not.a.Chance.

So I decided to go ahead and share them here anyway, since I know that many of my friends and family have been eager to see what the "treasure" inside looked like. 

Once I uploaded each of them, I decided to search for just the right captions to accompany them here. Dispite the absence of clear definition, I discovered significance in these photos. As I take each new step towards wherever God might be leading me... here's what they represent to my heart:

"Stand Tall and Proud
Sink your roots deeply into the Earth
Reflect the light of a greater source
Think long term
Go out on a limb
Remember your place among all living beings
Embrace with joy the changing seasons
For each yields its own abundance
The Energy and Birth of Spring
The Growth and Contentment of Summer
The Wisdom to let go of leaves in the Fall
The Rest and Quiet Renewal of Winter"~ Ilan Shamir, Advice From a Tree 

“Not every lake dreams to be an ocean. Blessed are the ones who are happy with whom they are.” 
~ Mehmet Murat ildan

“Any patch of sunlight in a wood will show you something about the sun which you could never get from reading books on astronomy. These pure and spontaneous pleasures are ‘patches of Godlight’ in the woods of our experience.” 
~ C.S. Lewis 

The buck stops here!
~ Harry S. Truman

“Change: A bend in the road is not the end of the road…Unless you fail to make the turn. ”

~ Helen Keller

"For every mountain
there is a miracle."
~Robert Schuller

"It is when you lose sight of yourself that you lose your way. To keep your truth in sight you must keep yourself in sight and the world to you should be a mirror to reflect to you your image; the world should be a mirror that you reflect upon."
~ C. Joybell C.

And because there appears to be no profound & divine messages hidden deep inside these photos, I'm reminded of the verse from Romans where it says,

"because he dared to trust God to do what only God could do: raise the dead to life, with a word make something out of nothing. ...deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw he couldn’t do but on what God said he would do!" Romans 4:17 ~ The Message

God promises to do things with my life that I  can't do ~ no matter how hard I try.
My task, if I choose to accept it...
is to Let.God.Chisel.
Let.God.Move.
Let.God.Lead.the.Way.

Philippians 3: 13

"But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead, 14 I press on towards the goal to win the prize for which God has called me" 

"The only thing a person can ever really do is keep moving forward. Take that big leap forward without hesitation, without once looking back. Simply forget the past and forge toward the future."

~Alyson Noel

What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

~Robert H. Schuller

"It is the possibility that keeps me going, and though you

may call me a dreamer or a fool or any other thing, I believe that anything is possible."

~Nicholas Sparks

Faith is daring to put your dream to the test. 

It is better to try to do something and fail than to try to do nothing and succeed.

~Robert Schuller

Dear God, 

in light of the fact that I know that you are here... even in the snapshots of myself when I can't "see" you on the surface, or know right what you're doing with my heart on any given moment of my life, I ask you to help me trust in you with all my heart. Help me to not lean on my own understanding. In all my ways, help me to acknowledge you and remind me often that you will direct my path, every step of the way.

@men

Walter Mitty 'n Me!

Last week, I nearly gave myself a heart attack when my hubby and I went to the local theatre 

no names mentioned, but come to think of it, its logo did happen to have a "6" on it) to watch 

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

Here are some things you should know:

• We went to the 9:40 PM show. 
• It cost thirty-two dollars.
• Cross-my-heart, the previews lasted for thirty-two minutes.
• We were ultra-conservative & bought
• a) one small buttered popcorn and
• b) one medium Diet Coke.

• By the time the movie finally started we were:
• 1) already half-asleep
• 2) grouchy
• 3) ready to go home already      

Once the initial heart attack wore off and the sum-total of 10 buttered pieces of popcorn began to work their way down, we settled in for what I thought might be an okay movie.

Was I ever wrong. To say that this movie had a profound impact on my heart, would be an understatement... I left the cinema-with-the-number-six-in-its-logo with this kindred-spirit heart connection to the main character that it was undeniable. In fact, I felt so "connected" to Walter Mitty that I came home, went online and googled the Life motto that continually showed up on the walls, and signs, and in the streets of the city where Walter walked past as he was on his way to work each day.

“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, draw closer,to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.”
**Oh how that motto penetrated the shadowy places in my heart in a way I can't explain. (But I'll certainly try...) For you see, every day, this mild-mannered character named Me walks past shelf after shelf of other people’s books… other illustrators vision’s… other author’s dreams.

Every day she reads aloud to hundreds of school children the words written by other once-aspiring authors and illustrators. Yet, her stories have never had the chance to be published. Her stories sit on the back shelf of her heart, collecting dust.

Because... well, the truth is... a story pretty-much has to be written first, before it can be published. 

Just like Walter, Angie once dreamed of publishing her own books but college writing and all-out life kept her dream catalogued in a manila envelope marked, “Maybe Someday…” tucked away in a drawer of obligations that never prioritized... never had a due-date.

Now, she spends her days as a “storyteller”, selecting and telling other people’s stories and reshelving other people’s published work and fulfilled dreams… but never her own.

While one passion requires crafting her God-Given gift of revealing inspirational words through her life’s stories… the other allows no time to write... not.a.single.word.  

*Unwritten stories + Life interference = Unfulfilled dreams*

She can barely bring herself to sit down at the keyboard and just.write. The stories that have already been written in her heart and edited through life’s harshest lessons can not.get.out.

She sits. And she falls asleep...
One day it dawns on her, that quite honestly, she never dreams anymore.

She remembers the 1982 movie, High Road to China, where the phrase, “When you lose your dream, you die.” resonates in her heart. The dreams are dusty and wrinkled… but she knows, deep inside her heart that the dreams have not died. She still has hope, although truthfully, sometimes she feels like her creative muse died in the rat-trap of her life journey Her days are like a spinning gerbil wheel~ going round and round and round and never going anywhere. 

She can't get the words of the Life Motto from Walter Mitty out of her mind...

BeliefNet sums up Walter Mitty's search like this: 
"The only way to find Sean’s photo is to find Sean…" 

She nods at herself in agreement. "That Walter Mitty 'n me... we've certainly got lots in common." 

She nods at herself in agreement. "We've certainly got lots in common, that Walter Mitty 'n me... ." 

Then it hit her like a ton'a bricks!! 

The only way to find my book is to find myself…

The only way to find my book is to find myself…

BeliefNet goes on to surmise: 
     "Walter might have stayed in his quiet, safe, lonely little world forever, living through his daydreams and half-living in reality.  But there comes a time when real life intrudes on dreams.

The still small voice inside of me continues to nudge:

"Angie might have stayed in her quiet, safe, lonely little world 

forever, living through her daydreams of becoming a writer and half-living in reality and work. But there comes a time when real life intrudes on dreams"

and to that I might add, "Until one day, when deep-seeded dreams WAKE UP... and retaliate!

**Enter stage left ~ the year 2014**

The year when my dreams are welcome to wake me up each day and demand that they be written ~ 
and lived out for God's glory!

Break it down...
“To see the world,  I have a true heart for missions. There's a deep desire inside my heart to be more than just one who prays for others who are called to go. Since I was a teenager, I have feel called to go... but never have had the opportunity to do so.
things dangerous to come to, I must say... I'm not a real risk-taker, especially when it comes to danger and uncertainty. But I know that wherever my feet may go, God is right there with me. 
Psalm 27:1 ~ The LORD is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The LORD is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?  
to see behind walls, not physical walls... but emotional ones that hurting people put up. Lord, let them see you through me. Let them feel You when I speak.
draw closer, to your heart, oh God. So that others might see
to find each other and to feel. Most importantly... to find myself, and to reach out to others and feel their hurts and share their joys!

This is my wilderness... but I am not alone.
And so...

My official motto for 2014 shall be:

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders"

       May this be my prayerful re-purposing of my life in 2014.

**If you ever knew my dad, (or ME  ) you might appreciate this... a modern day fairy tale with a very happy ending:

Once upon a time... (Fairy tale element #1)

**okay, wait... wait. I need to back up a bit to let you in on a little background information first...**

I've seen before where people name inanimate objects, such as cars and cameras and up until today, I didn't quite understand the reasoning behind that. Now I do... you see Rico was my dad's camera. This camera came out in 1985 and I'm quite certain my dad got it shortly after that. 

Dad's vintage Ricoh KR-30SP

He captured the world with this fella... right in his own backyard. He never went far, but he was always finding beauty right where is heart was... and that was at home. When my dad passed away, nobody seemed to be interested in having this old camera, mostly because it's not digital and it shot film-- and I mean... nobody shoots 33mm FILM THESE DAYS, right?? 

Today, I held my dad's old camera in my hands for the very first time. Everything about it is dated... especially the embroidered strap that I remember so well, hanging around my dad's neck. And then I saw it... there was still A ROLL OF FILM INSIDE!! So with little or no effort, I snapped the final 8 pictures on the roll, downloaded a complete owner's manual on PDF off of the internet, opened up the back hatch and carefully removed the film canister. (enter element #2 of Fairy tale here... *magic moments*) Just then, something almost magical happened in my heart... it was as if every ounce of creativity that I've been blessed to have inherited from my dad suddenly rushed over me. All these "gifts" of creativity and the eye for the unusual and unexpected wherever I may be... came from my dad! I've always know that in my head... but tonight, that stamp of influence seemed to be written all over the blueprint of my heart. 

For 3 years, this vintage old camera just sat... in a drawer... in the dark. Unwanted and untouched. Until just a few days ago, when I had this terrible urge to mention to my mom that I would like to have my dad's camera. Not for any other reason but that for the past year, I have fallen in love with my new Canon camera that my hubby and son got me for Christmas last year And and for some reason, having dad's camera in my office, near my computer where I upload and edit photos seemed like an important request to make.

He too, held this camera in his gentle, calloused, hardworking hands. Likewise, his strikingly ice-blue eyes squinted through the same viewfinder that I did tonight as he captured unexpected glimpses of God's creation everywhere he went.

And right then... I knew what I had to do.
Give.this.camera.a.name.
Not just any name... after 30 years of being loved and treasured, and then 3 years sitting in a dark closet with not insomuch as a look or a nod, the KR-30sp (<<enter Fairy Tale element #3 ~ the number THREE!) beckoned to be christened with a name that would signify it's uniqueness... I wanted to find a name that, every time I said it or whispered it to myself, would make ME smile, as I remember and cherish and follow in my dad's unique thumbprint on life... 

And so... Monsieur Rico~Swave' was brought out of the land of darkness and infused with new life. After a brief search for the meaning of names and definitions of Rico+Swave' I discovered some uncanny resemblances between this newly discovered name and my dad! And myself.

First, I looked up the definition of Swave': 
1. Swave': amazing and cool.
2. Swave': A word derived from the word Swavor which is a combination of swagger and flavor.
3. Swave': the aura that a person radiates from within. A level above Swag or swagger.

Next I looked up the meaning of the name Rico and I couldn't BELIEVE what I found:
Rico: idealistic and generous, with the strong desire to uplift humanity leading you into situations where you can express your desire to serve others. You want to assume responsibilities and to look after people; however, you can become too involved in other people's problems and tend to worry. Your name gives you a natural desire to express along artistic and musical lines. You desire a settled home and family life, and are expressive and attentive to your loved ones. If you attach an ideal of service to your life, you could find great happiness and could express a very beautiful, happy, responsible, artistic, and generous nature. The weakness of this name is in worry, which in turn affects the nervous system, creating a tendency to be highly strung or over-sensitive to the thoughts of others.That's IT!! Rico is undeniably the PERFECT name for this vintage old chap!! And so... I decided that the only fitting thing to do for a character camera so full of significance for propelling me forward into a brand new year as I pray for fresh opportunities to unleashing my own creativity and dreams--- is to give Monsieur Rico a PHOTO SHOOT of himself!! ((enter stage-left, the writer's craft of personification))

And that's how this happened... 
Using the "negative" effect on my tablet, I took alternating photos of Rico both in regular and inside-out perspectives. What emerged was almost magical, as depending on which vantage point is taken, a whole new image is revealed!

So it is with me... 
2014 shall be dubbed the year of "turning my dreams inside-out" ~ old dreams taken out, dusted off, given new names and assigned a fresh new purpose. Permission granted to move forward without hesitation, to pursue that which revives my spirit... my soul... my passions. Because God sees in me, that which I haven't yet given myself permission to see myself. Revelation 21:5 says, “See, I am making all things new!” And then he said to me, “Write it all down down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true." 

For those who have known me for quite some time, you know that there is a book that is waiting to be written. You also know that there have been many things that have prevented me from writing it. This year, I'm stepping out of my uncomfortable comfort zone (which I've discovered that I'm growing out of rather quickly!) and making whatever changes in my life that are necessary to make get it written in 2014. There. I said it... and I mean that with all my heart. I've left my dream in a dark drawer for far.too.long. This old camera seems to be just what the doctor ordered to kick this case of melancholy and revv up my heart's desire! 

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

~ Matthew 6:21 

Who would have ever thought... that a dusty old camera could infuse such incredible JOY and so much LIFE to my wadded up dreams and dehydrated hope. WELCOME TWO-THOUSAND FOURTEEN!! I've been waiting for you for so long!!

*And They Lived Everly Happy After! (Fairy Tale element #4)... a little "bassackwards" as my dad always said!  but true nonetheless!